Help! I'm feeling the urge to lock myself out of this one! And start a new one! Help! I promised myself I wouldn't do that anymore. What am I going to do? How can I keep myself occupied? The only thing I can think of is go on a re-posting spree, where I say old things in a new way, or maybe not even that, just cut & paste shamelessly off my old blogs. It's like thrift store blogging. Second-hand blogs. Flea market writings. Used. Do you care? You shouldn't. Cause come to find out it's all this ridiculous re-posting that brings new people. And I like that. Sorry but I can't help it. So what to do?
?
If I stay here, I'm going to
or wait, what if I opened a new blog and called it The Blog I Am Going To Settle Down With Part 2? It could simply be an extension, just on a new page.
you
does it matter?
August 12, 2008
.
this is my grandfather, Grampa Jones, in the 70's
the back of this picture says in my grandmother's handwriting, "Mike and Andy, July 4 1976, The week before Mike left for his new job in Arabia."
When I find these old pictures of my mom's family I find myself just staring at them. For a long time. There's this pull I feel. I need to know more about them. They're all scattered to the wind. I feel a deep yearning and an even deeper frustration that the one group of people on this planet that I ever identified with, for better or for worse, is no longer a group. It's the Clan that Never Was. That side of the family is a bunch of free-spirited wandering thinkers that are incapable of staying in one place for too long, save for the women. But it's not the women I'm interested in. It's the men. My grandfather and my two uncles. Their writings have captivated me because I understand them. Men I understand. How can this be? And therein lies my frustration. None of them are within my reach. My grandfather and uncle Mike are dead, and I already told you about uncle Andy.
Several months ago my mom brought out boxes of old letters that she's been saving all these years, which I devoured like a hungry vulture and also posted them on blogs. I'm fascinated with these strangers I'm related to. They were never around when I was growing up, they were always in some other country or some other mental planet. I was stuck with my father's normal family here in Dallas. I have at least 5 million cousins on his side. Not really. But a whole lot. And they're ALL NORMAL. It's the saddest thing.
June 30 1992
Dear Peggy & Jim,
Well, it's great to be writing a letter to my 2 favorite people in the
whole world! Thanks for your card & letter, I loved both very much.
Yeah, I'm sorry too that my marriage came unglued. Man, what a trauma
it was for me when I realized it was going down the tubes. (I'm just
getting over it now.) I was thinking, "Oh shit what will all the
friends and family think?"
But I was always VERY uncomfortable not being able to keep up with her
work schedule around there. She really wanted me to be someone I could
never be. So I had to find a passage back to the place I was before!
Now I'm really back to my own little world in Reno and it's super
great- I love it. Whenever one of the best grandkids or you two ever
want a vacation destination please come visit me. I'd love to be your
guide and host in Reno.
Love, Dad
Peggy- I found this arrow head beside the Concho River near Paint Rock,
Tex. It now belongs to you, child.
Jan 91
Dear Peggy,
Well, kiddo, I just wanted to let you know that it sure looks like I'm
getting married in the spring. (about 90% sure) But until it's sure I'm
not mentioning it to anyone but you, cuz you're my private confidante.
I think you probably remember her- Bette- she was blonde and freckled
and slim when we lived 4 doors down from them in Breckenridge
Apartments. Well, we love each other and feel we're right for each
other. I'm going back for another 5 day visit the 5th of Feb.
Would you believe she wants me to take a blood test for AIDS? I'll do
that in Burnet when I'm there visiting in Bertram. Also, she asked me
if I was gay!! I think she's been watching too much "Geraldo" on the
tube. We had a great time together when I was there Dec 25 to 30. We
had one real romantic night down on E. 6th St in Austin, going to the
night clubs along there. I felt her up and french kissed her but this
next visit in Feb. I'll have to "do the job" on her to prove I can.
She's very sweet and attractive and 60 yrs old.
Keep yer fingers crossed for me, honey. I love my oldest daughter.
Love, Dad
ps- all her grown kids came by on Xmas vacation and "examined" me. They
like me!
1976?
Dear Peggy,
I thought you would like this book to read and would appreciate it if
you were to pass it on to your mother after you're through. You and she
will probably be as mind-boggled as I was by how insidious the manner
is in which we all got unknowingly hooked. It would be impossible to go
all the way like the author did, but we might be able to cut down 60%
maybe. *
I already bought some Chinese beans at the health food store and
moisten about a dozen in a mason jar and they keep sprouting as you eat
out of the jar. I use it to snack on at night instead of junk.
Love, Dad
(* come to find out, it was a book on sugar)
June 7 1979
Dear All,
Hi. I would normally spare you my unruly scrawl and type this letter,
but it's late, and the walls are thin here in this pension where I
live. I hope I have your right address. Lost my fat address book down
in Mexico, and must rely on my somewhat imperfect memory for people's
whereabouts. Wrote Susan, after having gotten a letter from her, and
asked her for your address, but she must be off in never-never land
again, as she hasn't sent it yet. Rusty wrote from the Acorn Academy-
he doesn't seem to be any too lucid, but seems to want to change.
That's an encouraging sign- wrote him a long letter to try to bolster
his spirits. Got a letter from Mom, too, who seems occupied with the
the medical problems of her new husband. Hope he's doing better.
I understand there's a blessed event coming up there in your household!
Congratulations! It's nice to be an uncle three times over. Soon as the
little curtain climber gets old enough to cuss, I'll try to pay you a
visit and make him/her laugh a lot. Maybe I should have gone to clown
school, instead of university. Hiya kids, hiya hiya.
As you can see by the postmark, I'm out here in California with all the
nuts, where I belong, I guess. I really don't care for the California
brand of craziness, though. It's too damn self-indulgent. Have you been
reading the papers lately? It's unbelievable, what people can get away
with out here. They've got dingalings with Lolita glasses and cowboy
hats running for mayor in Berkeley, queers demanding to get on the
police department payroll in San Francisco, and women claiming that
it's unfair that they can't get into the boxing ring with Cassius Clay.
It's bedlam out here!
Fortunately, I'm getting out of this state soon. And out of the
country, most likely. Looks like I can't find work that's high-paying
enough here in the USA. I've been trying and trying, but nobody seems
to realize my sterling worth here. I have gotten all kinds of job
offers outside of the country, though, and it looks like I'm going to
have to take them up on it.
This is important: on some of my job applications, where complete
employment histories were asked, I lied and said I worked for your
company, Jim, c/o your address, so as to fill in some of the time I
wasn't working. I'd appreciate it, should you ever get a follow-up from
any of these companies, if you'd back me up. The dates I claimed to
have worked for you were from October, 1971 to December, 1973. My
starting salary was 525/mo and ending was 650/mo. I was a drafting
trainee, got it? Please save this letter, so you can fill in the
information and have it jive with my claims. I doubt you'll ever have
to do that, but just in case, make it good, ok?
Thanks, M.
June 2 1988
Dear Peggy,
Hello again. Is Amy all successfully graduated? She's a big girl now.
I'll bet you have the "mixed feelings" about that. They say that youth
is wasted on the young, but Amy seems to be making good use of hers. I
hope the hundred bucks I gave her for graduation are equally useful. At
all events, please pass along my congratulations to her for taking that
Big Step into the so-called real world.
Did you get your gold necklace yet? I hope you like it. As I might have
mentioned earlier, it's a Bedouin "Evil-Eye Chaser." If the necklace is
too spooky or not your style, please feel free to sell it and get
something else you like.
Peggy. Enclosed is another check that I'd like to ask you to convert to
U.S. Savings Bonds for me. This time I'll make it for $500, so that
makes $1000 in face-value bonds. Please buy 10 100-dollar bonds or five
200-dollar bonds. Does the bank charge you a fee for selling you my
savings bonds? If so, please tell me what it is, so I can reimburse
you.
I know you are a busy lady, what with your family and your business,
and your taking care of my business complicates your life even more.
All I can say is thank you and with me it's not a one-way street.
MJ
Mister Jones
June 14 1981
Dear Peggy,
Thank you for your letter that I got recently. How do you like your new
house? Pretty good, I'll bet. I'm typing this at work. There's so much
to do here. Yesterday I had to teach two whole hours. That's out of a
possible eight hour schedule. The rest of the time I just sat on my
bum. Anyway, congratulations on your new abode. Hope you and your
family will be real contentos there.
Did Dana 'n' Amy get the postcard I sent 'em of the hedgehog? I thought
they'd like the picture of the hedgehog a whole lot. In case Amy gets
tired of being hung up on turtles, hedgehogs make a good animal to move
on to. We have a whole bunch of 'em in our little zoo we've got here.
When they run, they look like one of those toy animals that have legs
sticking out in a circle from around an axle. Does that make any sense?
Like this:
Oh, well. You live over here long enough, and you can get away with
writing about stuff like this, and nobody sends the little men in white
coats with butterfly nets after you. It's real convenient. Get rich,
too.
I'm going on another vacation pretty soon. Was thinking of going to the
Orient, but decided that's too expensive, and would defeat the purpose
of my being over here, which is to save lotsa money. So I'll go to
Greece instead. I've been there four or five times already, but at
least it's cheap, and there are plenty of islands that I haven't seen
yet. And it's out of the Muslim world. There's this big island in the
north called Korfu where all these European wenches so to swim without
their tops of their bikinis on. Hubba, hubba. And you can take a boat
up to Yugoslavia, where there are even more Mediterranean islands
(Adriatic, actually) and topless wenches, white sand and crystal-clear
blue water.
I never know from one day to the next if I'll stay on here. I take it
one day at a time. What I plan to do is amass as much money as
possible, come back to the States, buy a car, get back into some
university and finish up my Masters. I've only got about six months to
go on it. Maybe work part-time. Hell, I'm not too old for that, am I?
What I'd really appreciate is if you'd call or write the nearby
universities, NTSU, UT/Arlington, UT/Dallas or even SMU, and find out
which ones offer an MA in either Public Administration or Educational
Administration. Those are the subjects I'm interested in. I'd prefer a
state university because it's cheaper.
Yeah, yeah, I know, the eternal student. Well, it beats staying over
here for the rest of my life. What good's money, if you can't enjoy it?
If I get my MA, maybe I'll be able to get a good job Stateside. I'd
like that.
So anyway, could you do that for me? I hope it isn't too much trouble.
I know you're real busy with your new house, but maybe you can find
some time to squeeze me in, yes? By the way, I don't want to go to
UT/Austin, although UT/El Paso would be ok. The school has to be in
Texas, because I'm still a resident of that state, and again, it's
cheaper. Silas Marner, here.
Thanks. Let me know if I can get you anything from over here. You know,
more head-dresses, T-shirts that say Saudi Arabia, Love It Or Leave It,
etc.
Your Brother,
M.
ps- still not smoking or drinking- going on 3 1/2 months now. Can run a
mile in under 10 minutes and have gotten rid of my beginning pot belly.
Do excercises every afternoon. Am working on 2 1/2 mile run without
stopping. Progressively difficult time-limits. Disgustingly healthy.
Soon I'll be just another insufferable health-nut.
Jan 20 1978
Dear Peggy & Family-
Thanks for the belt. I like it alot. I like most C & W stuff, as long
as it doesn't have any rhinestones or sequins on it. I'm glad the
buckle wasn't one of those big, square silver and turquoise
interpretations of a cow-flop, too. It's very nice. I wear it even now,
thanks.
Enclosed is a nice batik I found this last trip to Ceylon. Hope you
like it. The coin I sent you is a Saudi gold soverign. I have
absolutely no idea what it's worth over there in civilization. You'll
have to get it appraised, I guess. It's real gold, though, I know that,
with a bit of alloy mixed in to make it hard enough to keep its
integrity. Bet if you keep it, it'll be worth something someday. Make
it into a necklace or something. (I paid about 50 smakers for it.)
As I wrote our mutual mother, my latest plan is to finish up my MA at
the University of the Americas in Puebla, Mexico. They have a good
applied linguistics program there, where I can finish up in about a
year. I'll only go, though, if they'll pay me to-with a TA-ship.
Otherwise I'll take the job in South America I was offered.
Glad to hear of your success in school. Did you write that you're in
special education? I've already misplaced your letter that came with
the belt. Wait. I remember- speech pathology. Good field. Lotsa money
in it, too.
The pictures of Dana & Amy are most humorous. They're really cute kids.
Enclosed also is a comic book for them that I found in India.
Well, bye. Six more months to go in this dump. Then come two months of
helling around in Europe and then, who knows? With money, many things
are possible. Wahoo!
M. Jones
February 12 1989
Hello out there,
I never thought I'd see this place again, but here I am, back among the
bleedin' heathens, cooling my heels in the desert. 150 years ago, I'd
have been wearing a red coat and seconded from Queen Vickie's Own
Hussars to the Punjab Light Calvary, where I'd be tallying horse
blankets for John Company.
As it happens, they've got me ensconced in a very 20th-century cubicle,
just like at IBM, with a computer on my desk that moos each time I
screw up. I'm supposed to be writing and editing vocational curricula,
like how to be an ambulance driver, how to work a spreadsheet, how to
type good. Of course, everybody knows it's all blarney, balderdash, and
bee-ess, since the onliest one who'll ever read our training modules is
the writer. Oh, well. It beats classroom teaching.
On this job, they let me take a vacation after four to six months.
Where to go? The world is my rubber duckie.
Well, it's almost time to hie me off to work. My sleeping shedyule is
still out of whack, so I'm writing this at 4 ayem. God be with ye =
Goodbye.
I am: Mister Jones
Monday, February 18, 2008
Dec 25 1976
Dear Peggy & Jim,
Hello-! Merry Christmas, hoho, jingle jangle and rest ye merry,
gentlemen. Bah, humbug, joy to the world, bless the poor and Silent
Night. Macy's Bargain Basement, Christmastree oh Christmastree,
coloured lights that flash on and off in the windows, one horse open
sleigh. Sante Claus!
Anyway, Christmastree Time isn't at all what it's like in the USA here
in Saudiland. Here it's just like any other day: people just mope
around and talk funny, all dressed up in sheets. I've seen merrier
celebrations of the entry of the Black Plague into Europe. Oh, well.
It's a living.
Anyway, you should be getting some exotic objects d'art through the
mails pretty soon. For Christmas. Hand-carved gee-gaws that should look
nice on a mantlepiece. I hope you like them.
Uh, now that I've mentioned gift-giving and have you where I want you,
I wonder if I could ask you a small favor? Heh heh. Soon I'll be having
some rather expensive electronic equipment shipped duty-free to the
states. It's all quite legal- I buy the stuff at a duty-free port and
ship it tax-free stateside at substantial savings, using my APO postal
priveledges. Could I ask you to store it for me? I'll have it sent
directly to your door if you agree. All you have to do is see that it
gets hidden away somewhere and stays unopened. Do you have room? The
shipment would contain six boxes of stereo components, plus a colour
television. Their total worth is around $1500, so maybe this entails
some uncsented(?) responsibility. If so, perhaps you could recommend a
good storage house in the Dallas-Ft. Worth area.
You'd be keeping it for as much as a year or more, since I don't know
when I'll be back in the states. My teaching contract ends January
1978, but I plan to take a trip around the world when all this is over.
No telling how long that'll take. You might be stuck with it for a
while. The only reason I ask you in particular is that you are both
dependable, responsible people. I'm sure it'd be safer with you than
with anybody.
Do what you think best. I want to thank Dana & Amy for their Christmas
cards and pictures. They're really bright, happy kids. Maybe the nutty
streak in the family stops with you and them. Hope all is well with you
both, and again, Merry Christmas.
Sincerely,
M.Jones
June 16 1988
Dear Peggy,
How are you? I hope you have received your necklace by now and that you
like it. If it's not your style, please feel free to sell it and get
something else. Hope Amy is enjoying my erstwhile automobile and the
ear-boggling stereo equipment she's going to put in it.
Thanks very much for taking care of my bidness for me. I just received
the photocopies of my savings bonds you sent. I suppose by now you have
received my 500-dollar check that I sent you about a week ago to buy
another $1000 of face-value savings bonds. If not, please let me know.
Again, please continue to buy savings bonds with the balance of the
Toyota payments.
My present job pays more money than I can ever expect to make in the
future. It's one of the most difficult jobs I've ever had, but I plan
to stay with it as long as possible (two to three more years if the
contract lasts.) I've been irresponsible with money in the past, so I'm
trying to make up for all the water over the dam now. I've got an offer
to do Tech writing in Japan, but I would have to pay taxes on that
income, and living in Japan is expensive. So I'll just stay put.
Ho hum. There's probably nothing more boring than somebody else's
investment strategy. I'll tell you some of mine because there's not
much else to write home about from the UAE except the hot weather (125
degrees F) and all the money I'm making. It may also be nice for you to
know I'll never show up at your house one day asking to borrow money.
I'm very employable now, but as one gets older, more and more doors
start to close. (It's really not so bad in the UAE: I have a social
life, and do snorkeling and jogging for sport/fitness/entertainment.
Not like Saudi, where the ragheads were on a centuries-old no-fun kick:
work, sleep, and eat only or else.)
Anyway, I'm buying into tax-sheltered annuities, CDs, savings bonds,
and am building up an IRA all for a prudent, long-term financial base.
After I get the basics taken care of this year, I'll start buying into
real estate. Just call me Mr. Big Shot.
One of my main reasons for writing is that I've been hearing from Dad
recently and have been disturbed at the tone of his letters. As you
know, he's living with Rusty, and from what Dad writes, things are not
going so good. In short, Rusty continues to screw up and is making
Dad's life miserable. All this is just more of the same, ongoing sad
story, but the new wrinkle is that Rusty is getting weird, maybe
dangerously so: he pulls all the blinds and curtains while Dad is away
and sits in a chair with a butcher knife in his lap to protect himself
in case anyone should break in.
Peggy. Do you know Dad's number in Harlingen? Doesn't he have a phone
now? If so, please call him and (if you agree with me) convince him to
put Rusty where he belongs: in an institution. Dad isn't equipped to
deal with a psychotic and besides, he has how many more years on this
planet? 5? 10? 15? However many he has left, those years should be
spent in peace, not babysitting some looney-tunes relative. That's not
how you get rid of guilt. It's bad for both parties anyway, somebody
might get hurt.
Well, bye for now.
Your brother, Mr. Big Shot, Mister Jones
the back of this picture says in my grandmother's handwriting, "Mike and Andy, July 4 1976, The week before Mike left for his new job in Arabia."
When I find these old pictures of my mom's family I find myself just staring at them. For a long time. There's this pull I feel. I need to know more about them. They're all scattered to the wind. I feel a deep yearning and an even deeper frustration that the one group of people on this planet that I ever identified with, for better or for worse, is no longer a group. It's the Clan that Never Was. That side of the family is a bunch of free-spirited wandering thinkers that are incapable of staying in one place for too long, save for the women. But it's not the women I'm interested in. It's the men. My grandfather and my two uncles. Their writings have captivated me because I understand them. Men I understand. How can this be? And therein lies my frustration. None of them are within my reach. My grandfather and uncle Mike are dead, and I already told you about uncle Andy.
Several months ago my mom brought out boxes of old letters that she's been saving all these years, which I devoured like a hungry vulture and also posted them on blogs. I'm fascinated with these strangers I'm related to. They were never around when I was growing up, they were always in some other country or some other mental planet. I was stuck with my father's normal family here in Dallas. I have at least 5 million cousins on his side. Not really. But a whole lot. And they're ALL NORMAL. It's the saddest thing.
...are you bored? Do you want to read some of their letters? Here's a couple from Grampa Jones.
oh by the way when I first posted these on a blog I changed everybody's names, but I just don't care anymore. Who cares? Do you care? I didn't think so. So Peggy isn't really Peggy and Mitch isn't Mitch, it's Mike. I'm confused. Oh and "Rusty" is Andy. If I weren't so lazy I'd go thru and fix it all but I'd rather just cut & paste and call it a day.
~*~
1977?
Dearest Peggy:
Thanks for your lovely letter, gal.
Well, you know the gal from Monterrey, Mex.? Well I got a visa for her
and we have been living together at the Ponderoso Motel and then the
Thrifty Lodge. Then we got a duplex to move into and put money down and
signed a lease for 3 months.
Well- would you believe we tired of the arrangement 2 days before
moving into the duplex so I took her to the bus station to send her to
Larado but she wouldn't get on the bus. The last I saw of her was
walking towards the Mexican part of town from the bus station. I guess
they like Ustados Unidas better than home. She is still here in Big
Spring, I guess. I'm in the duplex with Kesh and all my neighbors all
around me are military personell from Webb Air Force Base here in Big
Spring. Maybe she and I will meet and try again before long or I'll go
down and get another one. They make fine pets.
That sweet little Dana has a crush on Shawn, hasn't she? She is such a
doll, I'd do anything in the world for her. You're right, angel about
life having it's ups and downs. I can't ever turn on on speed like I
used to do in Dallas because one 5000 cures a person forever. I'm the
most legal druggist in Texas. But now I have to live more sedately and
it's a drag sometimes. I'm sure looking forward to getting my butt out
of debt and shagging it down to Guadalahara for good.
Susan is really a mess isn't she? I haven't written her yet, cause it
needs more thought beforehand. Well baby, guess that's all for now.
Write when you can.
Love,
Dad
"counselor!!!" - what a bunch of B.S.- She went thru 3 grand of mine
and then wants to be "Portia" the female bull barrister
Dearest Peggy:
Thanks for your lovely letter, gal.
Well, you know the gal from Monterrey, Mex.? Well I got a visa for her
and we have been living together at the Ponderoso Motel and then the
Thrifty Lodge. Then we got a duplex to move into and put money down and
signed a lease for 3 months.
Well- would you believe we tired of the arrangement 2 days before
moving into the duplex so I took her to the bus station to send her to
Larado but she wouldn't get on the bus. The last I saw of her was
walking towards the Mexican part of town from the bus station. I guess
they like Ustados Unidas better than home. She is still here in Big
Spring, I guess. I'm in the duplex with Kesh and all my neighbors all
around me are military personell from Webb Air Force Base here in Big
Spring. Maybe she and I will meet and try again before long or I'll go
down and get another one. They make fine pets.
That sweet little Dana has a crush on Shawn, hasn't she? She is such a
doll, I'd do anything in the world for her. You're right, angel about
life having it's ups and downs. I can't ever turn on on speed like I
used to do in Dallas because one 5000 cures a person forever. I'm the
most legal druggist in Texas. But now I have to live more sedately and
it's a drag sometimes. I'm sure looking forward to getting my butt out
of debt and shagging it down to Guadalahara for good.
Susan is really a mess isn't she? I haven't written her yet, cause it
needs more thought beforehand. Well baby, guess that's all for now.
Write when you can.
Love,
Dad
"counselor!!!" - what a bunch of B.S.- She went thru 3 grand of mine
and then wants to be "Portia" the female bull barrister
June 30 1992
Dear Peggy & Jim,
Well, it's great to be writing a letter to my 2 favorite people in the
whole world! Thanks for your card & letter, I loved both very much.
Yeah, I'm sorry too that my marriage came unglued. Man, what a trauma
it was for me when I realized it was going down the tubes. (I'm just
getting over it now.) I was thinking, "Oh shit what will all the
friends and family think?"
But I was always VERY uncomfortable not being able to keep up with her
work schedule around there. She really wanted me to be someone I could
never be. So I had to find a passage back to the place I was before!
Now I'm really back to my own little world in Reno and it's super
great- I love it. Whenever one of the best grandkids or you two ever
want a vacation destination please come visit me. I'd love to be your
guide and host in Reno.
Love, Dad
Peggy- I found this arrow head beside the Concho River near Paint Rock,
Tex. It now belongs to you, child.
Jan 91
Dear Peggy,
Well, kiddo, I just wanted to let you know that it sure looks like I'm
getting married in the spring. (about 90% sure) But until it's sure I'm
not mentioning it to anyone but you, cuz you're my private confidante.
I think you probably remember her- Bette- she was blonde and freckled
and slim when we lived 4 doors down from them in Breckenridge
Apartments. Well, we love each other and feel we're right for each
other. I'm going back for another 5 day visit the 5th of Feb.
Would you believe she wants me to take a blood test for AIDS? I'll do
that in Burnet when I'm there visiting in Bertram. Also, she asked me
if I was gay!! I think she's been watching too much "Geraldo" on the
tube. We had a great time together when I was there Dec 25 to 30. We
had one real romantic night down on E. 6th St in Austin, going to the
night clubs along there. I felt her up and french kissed her but this
next visit in Feb. I'll have to "do the job" on her to prove I can.
She's very sweet and attractive and 60 yrs old.
Keep yer fingers crossed for me, honey. I love my oldest daughter.
Love, Dad
ps- all her grown kids came by on Xmas vacation and "examined" me. They
like me!
1976?
Dear Peggy,
I thought you would like this book to read and would appreciate it if
you were to pass it on to your mother after you're through. You and she
will probably be as mind-boggled as I was by how insidious the manner
is in which we all got unknowingly hooked. It would be impossible to go
all the way like the author did, but we might be able to cut down 60%
maybe. *
I already bought some Chinese beans at the health food store and
moisten about a dozen in a mason jar and they keep sprouting as you eat
out of the jar. I use it to snack on at night instead of junk.
Love, Dad
(* come to find out, it was a book on sugar)
...if you want to read more of his letters I posted them here-
http://www.myspace.com/lettersfromgrampa
http://www.myspace.com/lettersfromgrampa
~*~
...ok and now for some letters from Uncle Mike. (the one on the left in the picture at the top) (he's my mom's oldest brother) (dead now) (he used to send my sister and I all kinds of cool things in the mail from other countries and funny letters which we looked forward to)
May 22 1981
(written on the back of yet another Hedgehog postcard )
HHEEEEEYYYY ya liddle BRATS!
How do yez like yer new house? Pretty good, huh. Bet you gots little R2
D2 robots to sweep up and put out the cat.
I'm doin OK over here in you-know-where, among the you-know-who's. See
the weird little critter on the other side of this card? He's a
hedgehog. They're about the funniest animals I've ever seen. They live
in the US, too. didja know?
Well, bye,
Unca Mitch
ps we have five hedgehogs in our zoo here
May 22 1981
(written on the back of yet another Hedgehog postcard )
HHEEEEEYYYY ya liddle BRATS!
How do yez like yer new house? Pretty good, huh. Bet you gots little R2
D2 robots to sweep up and put out the cat.
I'm doin OK over here in you-know-where, among the you-know-who's. See
the weird little critter on the other side of this card? He's a
hedgehog. They're about the funniest animals I've ever seen. They live
in the US, too. didja know?
Well, bye,
Unca Mitch
ps we have five hedgehogs in our zoo here
June 7 1979
Dear All,
Hi. I would normally spare you my unruly scrawl and type this letter,
but it's late, and the walls are thin here in this pension where I
live. I hope I have your right address. Lost my fat address book down
in Mexico, and must rely on my somewhat imperfect memory for people's
whereabouts. Wrote Susan, after having gotten a letter from her, and
asked her for your address, but she must be off in never-never land
again, as she hasn't sent it yet. Rusty wrote from the Acorn Academy-
he doesn't seem to be any too lucid, but seems to want to change.
That's an encouraging sign- wrote him a long letter to try to bolster
his spirits. Got a letter from Mom, too, who seems occupied with the
the medical problems of her new husband. Hope he's doing better.
I understand there's a blessed event coming up there in your household!
Congratulations! It's nice to be an uncle three times over. Soon as the
little curtain climber gets old enough to cuss, I'll try to pay you a
visit and make him/her laugh a lot. Maybe I should have gone to clown
school, instead of university. Hiya kids, hiya hiya.
As you can see by the postmark, I'm out here in California with all the
nuts, where I belong, I guess. I really don't care for the California
brand of craziness, though. It's too damn self-indulgent. Have you been
reading the papers lately? It's unbelievable, what people can get away
with out here. They've got dingalings with Lolita glasses and cowboy
hats running for mayor in Berkeley, queers demanding to get on the
police department payroll in San Francisco, and women claiming that
it's unfair that they can't get into the boxing ring with Cassius Clay.
It's bedlam out here!
Fortunately, I'm getting out of this state soon. And out of the
country, most likely. Looks like I can't find work that's high-paying
enough here in the USA. I've been trying and trying, but nobody seems
to realize my sterling worth here. I have gotten all kinds of job
offers outside of the country, though, and it looks like I'm going to
have to take them up on it.
This is important: on some of my job applications, where complete
employment histories were asked, I lied and said I worked for your
company, Jim, c/o your address, so as to fill in some of the time I
wasn't working. I'd appreciate it, should you ever get a follow-up from
any of these companies, if you'd back me up. The dates I claimed to
have worked for you were from October, 1971 to December, 1973. My
starting salary was 525/mo and ending was 650/mo. I was a drafting
trainee, got it? Please save this letter, so you can fill in the
information and have it jive with my claims. I doubt you'll ever have
to do that, but just in case, make it good, ok?
Thanks, M.
June 2 1988
Dear Peggy,
Hello again. Is Amy all successfully graduated? She's a big girl now.
I'll bet you have the "mixed feelings" about that. They say that youth
is wasted on the young, but Amy seems to be making good use of hers. I
hope the hundred bucks I gave her for graduation are equally useful. At
all events, please pass along my congratulations to her for taking that
Big Step into the so-called real world.
Did you get your gold necklace yet? I hope you like it. As I might have
mentioned earlier, it's a Bedouin "Evil-Eye Chaser." If the necklace is
too spooky or not your style, please feel free to sell it and get
something else you like.
Peggy. Enclosed is another check that I'd like to ask you to convert to
U.S. Savings Bonds for me. This time I'll make it for $500, so that
makes $1000 in face-value bonds. Please buy 10 100-dollar bonds or five
200-dollar bonds. Does the bank charge you a fee for selling you my
savings bonds? If so, please tell me what it is, so I can reimburse
you.
I know you are a busy lady, what with your family and your business,
and your taking care of my business complicates your life even more.
All I can say is thank you and with me it's not a one-way street.
MJ
Mister Jones
June 14 1981
Dear Peggy,
Thank you for your letter that I got recently. How do you like your new
house? Pretty good, I'll bet. I'm typing this at work. There's so much
to do here. Yesterday I had to teach two whole hours. That's out of a
possible eight hour schedule. The rest of the time I just sat on my
bum. Anyway, congratulations on your new abode. Hope you and your
family will be real contentos there.
Did Dana 'n' Amy get the postcard I sent 'em of the hedgehog? I thought
they'd like the picture of the hedgehog a whole lot. In case Amy gets
tired of being hung up on turtles, hedgehogs make a good animal to move
on to. We have a whole bunch of 'em in our little zoo we've got here.
When they run, they look like one of those toy animals that have legs
sticking out in a circle from around an axle. Does that make any sense?
Like this:
Oh, well. You live over here long enough, and you can get away with
writing about stuff like this, and nobody sends the little men in white
coats with butterfly nets after you. It's real convenient. Get rich,
too.
I'm going on another vacation pretty soon. Was thinking of going to the
Orient, but decided that's too expensive, and would defeat the purpose
of my being over here, which is to save lotsa money. So I'll go to
Greece instead. I've been there four or five times already, but at
least it's cheap, and there are plenty of islands that I haven't seen
yet. And it's out of the Muslim world. There's this big island in the
north called Korfu where all these European wenches so to swim without
their tops of their bikinis on. Hubba, hubba. And you can take a boat
up to Yugoslavia, where there are even more Mediterranean islands
(Adriatic, actually) and topless wenches, white sand and crystal-clear
blue water.
I never know from one day to the next if I'll stay on here. I take it
one day at a time. What I plan to do is amass as much money as
possible, come back to the States, buy a car, get back into some
university and finish up my Masters. I've only got about six months to
go on it. Maybe work part-time. Hell, I'm not too old for that, am I?
What I'd really appreciate is if you'd call or write the nearby
universities, NTSU, UT/Arlington, UT/Dallas or even SMU, and find out
which ones offer an MA in either Public Administration or Educational
Administration. Those are the subjects I'm interested in. I'd prefer a
state university because it's cheaper.
Yeah, yeah, I know, the eternal student. Well, it beats staying over
here for the rest of my life. What good's money, if you can't enjoy it?
If I get my MA, maybe I'll be able to get a good job Stateside. I'd
like that.
So anyway, could you do that for me? I hope it isn't too much trouble.
I know you're real busy with your new house, but maybe you can find
some time to squeeze me in, yes? By the way, I don't want to go to
UT/Austin, although UT/El Paso would be ok. The school has to be in
Texas, because I'm still a resident of that state, and again, it's
cheaper. Silas Marner, here.
Thanks. Let me know if I can get you anything from over here. You know,
more head-dresses, T-shirts that say Saudi Arabia, Love It Or Leave It,
etc.
Your Brother,
M.
ps- still not smoking or drinking- going on 3 1/2 months now. Can run a
mile in under 10 minutes and have gotten rid of my beginning pot belly.
Do excercises every afternoon. Am working on 2 1/2 mile run without
stopping. Progressively difficult time-limits. Disgustingly healthy.
Soon I'll be just another insufferable health-nut.
Jan 20 1978
Dear Peggy & Family-
Thanks for the belt. I like it alot. I like most C & W stuff, as long
as it doesn't have any rhinestones or sequins on it. I'm glad the
buckle wasn't one of those big, square silver and turquoise
interpretations of a cow-flop, too. It's very nice. I wear it even now,
thanks.
Enclosed is a nice batik I found this last trip to Ceylon. Hope you
like it. The coin I sent you is a Saudi gold soverign. I have
absolutely no idea what it's worth over there in civilization. You'll
have to get it appraised, I guess. It's real gold, though, I know that,
with a bit of alloy mixed in to make it hard enough to keep its
integrity. Bet if you keep it, it'll be worth something someday. Make
it into a necklace or something. (I paid about 50 smakers for it.)
As I wrote our mutual mother, my latest plan is to finish up my MA at
the University of the Americas in Puebla, Mexico. They have a good
applied linguistics program there, where I can finish up in about a
year. I'll only go, though, if they'll pay me to-with a TA-ship.
Otherwise I'll take the job in South America I was offered.
Glad to hear of your success in school. Did you write that you're in
special education? I've already misplaced your letter that came with
the belt. Wait. I remember- speech pathology. Good field. Lotsa money
in it, too.
The pictures of Dana & Amy are most humorous. They're really cute kids.
Enclosed also is a comic book for them that I found in India.
Well, bye. Six more months to go in this dump. Then come two months of
helling around in Europe and then, who knows? With money, many things
are possible. Wahoo!
M. Jones
February 12 1989
Hello out there,
I never thought I'd see this place again, but here I am, back among the
bleedin' heathens, cooling my heels in the desert. 150 years ago, I'd
have been wearing a red coat and seconded from Queen Vickie's Own
Hussars to the Punjab Light Calvary, where I'd be tallying horse
blankets for John Company.
As it happens, they've got me ensconced in a very 20th-century cubicle,
just like at IBM, with a computer on my desk that moos each time I
screw up. I'm supposed to be writing and editing vocational curricula,
like how to be an ambulance driver, how to work a spreadsheet, how to
type good. Of course, everybody knows it's all blarney, balderdash, and
bee-ess, since the onliest one who'll ever read our training modules is
the writer. Oh, well. It beats classroom teaching.
On this job, they let me take a vacation after four to six months.
Where to go? The world is my rubber duckie.
Well, it's almost time to hie me off to work. My sleeping shedyule is
still out of whack, so I'm writing this at 4 ayem. God be with ye =
Goodbye.
I am: Mister Jones
Monday, February 18, 2008
Dec 25 1976
Dear Peggy & Jim,
Hello-! Merry Christmas, hoho, jingle jangle and rest ye merry,
gentlemen. Bah, humbug, joy to the world, bless the poor and Silent
Night. Macy's Bargain Basement, Christmastree oh Christmastree,
coloured lights that flash on and off in the windows, one horse open
sleigh. Sante Claus!
Anyway, Christmastree Time isn't at all what it's like in the USA here
in Saudiland. Here it's just like any other day: people just mope
around and talk funny, all dressed up in sheets. I've seen merrier
celebrations of the entry of the Black Plague into Europe. Oh, well.
It's a living.
Anyway, you should be getting some exotic objects d'art through the
mails pretty soon. For Christmas. Hand-carved gee-gaws that should look
nice on a mantlepiece. I hope you like them.
Uh, now that I've mentioned gift-giving and have you where I want you,
I wonder if I could ask you a small favor? Heh heh. Soon I'll be having
some rather expensive electronic equipment shipped duty-free to the
states. It's all quite legal- I buy the stuff at a duty-free port and
ship it tax-free stateside at substantial savings, using my APO postal
priveledges. Could I ask you to store it for me? I'll have it sent
directly to your door if you agree. All you have to do is see that it
gets hidden away somewhere and stays unopened. Do you have room? The
shipment would contain six boxes of stereo components, plus a colour
television. Their total worth is around $1500, so maybe this entails
some uncsented(?) responsibility. If so, perhaps you could recommend a
good storage house in the Dallas-Ft. Worth area.
You'd be keeping it for as much as a year or more, since I don't know
when I'll be back in the states. My teaching contract ends January
1978, but I plan to take a trip around the world when all this is over.
No telling how long that'll take. You might be stuck with it for a
while. The only reason I ask you in particular is that you are both
dependable, responsible people. I'm sure it'd be safer with you than
with anybody.
Do what you think best. I want to thank Dana & Amy for their Christmas
cards and pictures. They're really bright, happy kids. Maybe the nutty
streak in the family stops with you and them. Hope all is well with you
both, and again, Merry Christmas.
Sincerely,
M.Jones
June 16 1988
Dear Peggy,
How are you? I hope you have received your necklace by now and that you
like it. If it's not your style, please feel free to sell it and get
something else. Hope Amy is enjoying my erstwhile automobile and the
ear-boggling stereo equipment she's going to put in it.
Thanks very much for taking care of my bidness for me. I just received
the photocopies of my savings bonds you sent. I suppose by now you have
received my 500-dollar check that I sent you about a week ago to buy
another $1000 of face-value savings bonds. If not, please let me know.
Again, please continue to buy savings bonds with the balance of the
Toyota payments.
My present job pays more money than I can ever expect to make in the
future. It's one of the most difficult jobs I've ever had, but I plan
to stay with it as long as possible (two to three more years if the
contract lasts.) I've been irresponsible with money in the past, so I'm
trying to make up for all the water over the dam now. I've got an offer
to do Tech writing in Japan, but I would have to pay taxes on that
income, and living in Japan is expensive. So I'll just stay put.
Ho hum. There's probably nothing more boring than somebody else's
investment strategy. I'll tell you some of mine because there's not
much else to write home about from the UAE except the hot weather (125
degrees F) and all the money I'm making. It may also be nice for you to
know I'll never show up at your house one day asking to borrow money.
I'm very employable now, but as one gets older, more and more doors
start to close. (It's really not so bad in the UAE: I have a social
life, and do snorkeling and jogging for sport/fitness/entertainment.
Not like Saudi, where the ragheads were on a centuries-old no-fun kick:
work, sleep, and eat only or else.)
Anyway, I'm buying into tax-sheltered annuities, CDs, savings bonds,
and am building up an IRA all for a prudent, long-term financial base.
After I get the basics taken care of this year, I'll start buying into
real estate. Just call me Mr. Big Shot.
One of my main reasons for writing is that I've been hearing from Dad
recently and have been disturbed at the tone of his letters. As you
know, he's living with Rusty, and from what Dad writes, things are not
going so good. In short, Rusty continues to screw up and is making
Dad's life miserable. All this is just more of the same, ongoing sad
story, but the new wrinkle is that Rusty is getting weird, maybe
dangerously so: he pulls all the blinds and curtains while Dad is away
and sits in a chair with a butcher knife in his lap to protect himself
in case anyone should break in.
Peggy. Do you know Dad's number in Harlingen? Doesn't he have a phone
now? If so, please call him and (if you agree with me) convince him to
put Rusty where he belongs: in an institution. Dad isn't equipped to
deal with a psychotic and besides, he has how many more years on this
planet? 5? 10? 15? However many he has left, those years should be
spent in peace, not babysitting some looney-tunes relative. That's not
how you get rid of guilt. It's bad for both parties anyway, somebody
might get hurt.
Well, bye for now.
Your brother, Mr. Big Shot, Mister Jones
~*~
(...you know what? I think EVERYONE should go ahead and ask their mom, today, just call her up and ask if she saved old letters from family members. Read them. Enjoy them and learn from them. And don't stop there! Share them for crying out loud! I guarantee there is SOMEONE in your family who's holding on to a wealth of history and insight pertaining to your family, as we speak, but the person who saved the letters thinks nobody is interested so they haven't mentioned it. )
.
Uncle Andy quotes
(unscrupulously taken from letters he wrote to my mom over the years)
(unscrupulously taken from letters he wrote to my mom over the years)
~*~
"...As for the hospital, I feel that if I got out and failed once more, I would never survive. I am close to crying now.
Nor do my actions and feelings please myself. But I think I can make it now if I try with everything I have or can do. I am sitting in a chair in the corner and do not move except for essentials. Trying is what I do worst. I am crying lightly now but taking deep breaths. I cannot see the t.v. I better quit. Thank you for everything. Have a nice day. " (1981)
Nor do my actions and feelings please myself. But I think I can make it now if I try with everything I have or can do. I am sitting in a chair in the corner and do not move except for essentials. Trying is what I do worst. I am crying lightly now but taking deep breaths. I cannot see the t.v. I better quit. Thank you for everything. Have a nice day. " (1981)
~*~
"My commitment expires the 27th of this month, and I am chompin' at the bit to get out. It seems that the time here at the Houston VA Hospital has passed quickly, yet now that I am near the wire, it seems to drag very much. Nonetheless, I will soon be out. I don't wish to brag, indeed circumstances prohibit it, yet may I say that I am truthful in saying that I will never end up in a hospital again. ... your reminder that 30 is approaching was good for me and helped me realize that now is the time for sober thoughts and carefully designed actions. Without it, there may be the danger of back-sliding once again, which I feel would ruin the respect of my family. Jim, am I not correct in saying that you can relate to that? In particular, you, Jim have been very, very kind to me. I do appreciate it alot. It must have been a strain on your tolerance. At times when my behavior was most inappropriate, you really carried the burden well and were not harsh with me. I especially remember the good times you made possible, such as the trip to the Wax Museum and the dinner of fish that you caught. Thanks. Thanks again. " (1979)
~*~
"I will get out of the hospital March 10, God willing and if we live, and will try to find a job as a greaser. A greaser works on a drilling rig and makes the best money available here, around $4.50 per hour. Please give my love to your family. " (1980)
~*~
"When I get out, I am going to Temple to work until Christmas. After spending those days cherishing my family (I spent last Christmas with Dad) I am moving to Dover, Massachusetts, to get a permanent job, hopefully as a short-order cook. I realize that my mind at the present still needs care, therefore I shall stay on my medication and seek outpatient care. But as to the job itself, I feel that it will satisfy me. Of course it may seem a little lowly, but I know that I will be able to do it well, for it will be simple and not very stressful. Jim, I am sure that you recall the hasty pace at which we had to work at boot camp, and I am comfortable at that. If the feeling occurs that I desire to move up the social ladder, so to speak, there will be plenty of time to do that under the GI Bill. I picked Dover because I have been to Massachussetts twice and like the attitude that embues it. I chose Dover because it was there that the Winter Olympics training grounds were, so it must be pretty nice. I think I will really be satisfied there. The years will pass and I will develop on a right course, doing my best and trusting the Lord to pay back my devotion doubly, on the one hand giving me the strength to aspire more, and on the other blessing me with happiness. " (1979)
~*~
"Thank you for your concern about my life. I am aware that your suggestions are sincerely motivated for my own good. Remember however, that the Scriptures council a man that as soon as he leaves his parents he should cling to his wife. If you think I should find another, then recall how the Scriptures also state that any man putting his hand to the plow and then turning back from it is not fit for the Kingdom of God. I do love Shelly, yet if you think that that too is wrong or misguided, think on this: Let him who is doing good do good still, and he who is doing evil do evil still. Also; Love your enemy." (1980)
~*~
" know that I have failed in alot of forthcomings yet I have prayed and am still praying that you will forgive me. And the debt to Jim is massive. I wish he would pardon me. The children, it is impossive to measure the iniquity. May they forgive it.
For example, I gave the picture of Amy to a woman on the ward. When I came to my senses, I asked her for it back and she told me she tore it up and threw it away. I am sorry. " (1981)
For example, I gave the picture of Amy to a woman on the ward. When I came to my senses, I asked her for it back and she told me she tore it up and threw it away. I am sorry. " (1981)
~*~
"My prayer on your behalf is for increased bliss, and mine that I may share in some small meaningful or a humble portion of it. " (1979)
~*~
.
To be honest I really don't have anything noteworthy to say but I wanted to write something anyway. So here we go. To begin with, I saw my uncle today, he's not in a regular hospital room. It looks like a fish tank room. Completely see-through. And then just him, in a bed, right there in the middle. On display. He's a big man. His feet were hanging off the bed. He's 6"3 or 4. I walked in and said, Uncle Andy it's Amy, and his left hand rose up for me to hold it, and I did, it was cold and clammy but I held it tight in both hands and told him I loved him. They have him restrained. And he didn't know it. Until I got there. As it turns out I was the first family member to talk to him, apparently he had just come to, right before I got there. He was asking where he was and how he got there and how long he'd been there. The nurse interrupted and he snapped t her and said I DON'T NEED YOU TO INTERPRET! and he made a hissing sound at her. She left the room and he settled back down. I soothed him and told him that he was in God's care. He mumbled things that I didn't understand but I nodded and acted like I was agreeing. There was blood on his chest, the nurse said when he woke up he ripped out his central line. I didn't know what to say to him so I told him that I read all the letters he sent to my mom over the years and how entertaining they were, and what an interesting life he's had. He liked that. I said, Andy do you remember you toured Europe on your bike? And do you know you've lived in some really interesting places? He really liked all this. Then I told him how much reading those letters blessed me. I said his wisdom and insight really taught me alot. He held on to my hand tighter as I talked with him. I told him I love him, and he told me he's been worried about me. I laughed and said, I know Andy! My body's messed up too! This morning when I was praying for him a Bible verse came to mind, so I looked it up, wrote it down, memorized it. And when I was standing there next to him I said, I know how much you love God and how much you love His Word, here's one for you- and I said to him, From the rising of the sun unto the going down of the same, the Lord's Name is to be praised. And as I was saying this, he rested his head on back, closed his eyes, and I could see his lips moving and he was saying it along with me.
Andy has paranoid schizophrenia. It hit in his mid 20's after experimenting with some hashish- the real thing- in Turkey. He was on leave, he was in the Marines and was taking a vacation. They said it triggered something in his brain, something about the chemicals. But that he could have gotten it regardless because it's also a genetic thing. But the trip to Turkey set him off and he's been in and out of the VA hospitals ever since. He's a wanderer. He went to my grandmother's house to end it all, but it looks like he didn't succeed. I don't know what's going to happen with him now. I guess if he comes all the way back they'll turn him over to the VA.
Tonight I took a long walk, a slow one. I can't walk fast anymore. I'm totally ok with it all now. It's peaceful. I had a new and different frame of mind this time. It was more of a stroll, in the moonlight, and I actually stopped to pet a toad. There's toads everywhere around here and usually I just say hello and walk on by, but tonight I decided to stop for a visit. He actually let me. He just sat there, didn't even blink. His skin was bumpy and he was fat and cute with beady black eyes. How long has it been since you've stopped to pet a toad? Next time you see one, why don't you. I think they like it.
I'm losing more weight and I'm not even remotely interested in food. I'm at 114. Which is fine but the only problem is I think it's melting away for no reason. Nothing tastes good. That's why these old people nutrition drinks are so appealing to me right now. They're easy. And also bananas. I'm going through bananas like a monkey. My right hand is getting weaker and it hurts sometimes. I have a few appointments lined up, back on the conveyer belt that runs through the hospital, back to the waiting and the testing and the uncertainties. Did I mention I can hardly go up stairs? I have to hold on to the rail and actually use it. It's my right leg.
What's really a trip is the peace I have. God is really doing a number on me.
Andy has paranoid schizophrenia. It hit in his mid 20's after experimenting with some hashish- the real thing- in Turkey. He was on leave, he was in the Marines and was taking a vacation. They said it triggered something in his brain, something about the chemicals. But that he could have gotten it regardless because it's also a genetic thing. But the trip to Turkey set him off and he's been in and out of the VA hospitals ever since. He's a wanderer. He went to my grandmother's house to end it all, but it looks like he didn't succeed. I don't know what's going to happen with him now. I guess if he comes all the way back they'll turn him over to the VA.
Tonight I took a long walk, a slow one. I can't walk fast anymore. I'm totally ok with it all now. It's peaceful. I had a new and different frame of mind this time. It was more of a stroll, in the moonlight, and I actually stopped to pet a toad. There's toads everywhere around here and usually I just say hello and walk on by, but tonight I decided to stop for a visit. He actually let me. He just sat there, didn't even blink. His skin was bumpy and he was fat and cute with beady black eyes. How long has it been since you've stopped to pet a toad? Next time you see one, why don't you. I think they like it.
I'm losing more weight and I'm not even remotely interested in food. I'm at 114. Which is fine but the only problem is I think it's melting away for no reason. Nothing tastes good. That's why these old people nutrition drinks are so appealing to me right now. They're easy. And also bananas. I'm going through bananas like a monkey. My right hand is getting weaker and it hurts sometimes. I have a few appointments lined up, back on the conveyer belt that runs through the hospital, back to the waiting and the testing and the uncertainties. Did I mention I can hardly go up stairs? I have to hold on to the rail and actually use it. It's my right leg.
What's really a trip is the peace I have. God is really doing a number on me.
August 11, 2008
.
Last night, or was it early this morning, I had a brief dream of a man sitting in a jail cell, and Jesus was walking right outside the cell, in full view of the man. I understood that the man was in "his own prison" and Jesus was waiting for the man to come on out of it, understanding being the key. Of what a relationship with Christ is about. Real understanding. The man sat there with his head down inside the cell and said something about how it's "only exciting when..." He was rationalizing Christianity in his mind and pondering the things about it that he liked, thinking of reasons to approve and disapprove of it. And all the while there was Jesus, pacing? Right outside the cell.
So of course this has been on my mind ever since I've woken up. I prayed about it and I don't know what else to say, other than simply tell you what I saw. Everyone has to work it out on their own and seek Him on their own.
I can say this however. The man in the cell said something about "excitement". Which made me think of how some people can get easily sidetracked with all the spiritual aspects of Christianity, especially the prophetic. How some people see it as some kind of holy magic show and can't wait for the next exciting revelation or dream or word of knowledge, and the excitement and rush when it comes to pass or when it lines up with your own world. I visited a prophetic website one time and sensed that it was being used like a tarot reading, even by Christians. Some people check in for the wrong reasons. We have to remember that the gifts of the Spirit are tools to help one another out, the purpose being to edify one another and encourage one another. The gifts are tools for His people. The gifts themselves are not to be glorified. Which brings to mind a vision I had a few years ago: I saw a gorgeous colorful arrow, I held it in my hands and admired it, turning it over and over and examining it and cherishing it. I knew in my spirit that this was a reminder, that we are not to admire the tools (weapons!)- just use them. I was convicted by this vision at the time, it was when my dreams and visions were first starting to happen on a more frequent basis and I admit I was caught up in the whole excitement of it all. This is another trick of the enemy so watch out. Everything has to be kept in it's proper place. Nothing should be more important to us than our everyday walk with Christ. It's that simple. Beware of things that tickle your spiritual fancy. How did I stray from the subject? I was trying to explain my man in the jail cell dream. Actually to be honest it wasn't a dream, it was a brief vision, and not only that but it was shown to me just like a cartoon. It looked like a New Yorker cartoon, black and white, single panel, drawn sketchy and what the man was saying was shown as a caption, in quotes, at the bottom. And ya'll wonder why I am so in love with God. He is hillarious with me and He gets His points across to me in the most funny ways. He shows me pictures most of the time instead of long drawn-out speeches. He babies me. I love Him.
wait
Did any of this make sense? I don't know what else to say about it.
My uncle is in the hospital on a ventilator and they are running tests on him today to determine whether or not they should go ahead and pull the plug. He overdosed last night on his medications on purpose. He's mentally ill and he's struggled for a long time. I might get to go see him this evening.
So of course this has been on my mind ever since I've woken up. I prayed about it and I don't know what else to say, other than simply tell you what I saw. Everyone has to work it out on their own and seek Him on their own.
I can say this however. The man in the cell said something about "excitement". Which made me think of how some people can get easily sidetracked with all the spiritual aspects of Christianity, especially the prophetic. How some people see it as some kind of holy magic show and can't wait for the next exciting revelation or dream or word of knowledge, and the excitement and rush when it comes to pass or when it lines up with your own world. I visited a prophetic website one time and sensed that it was being used like a tarot reading, even by Christians. Some people check in for the wrong reasons. We have to remember that the gifts of the Spirit are tools to help one another out, the purpose being to edify one another and encourage one another. The gifts are tools for His people. The gifts themselves are not to be glorified. Which brings to mind a vision I had a few years ago: I saw a gorgeous colorful arrow, I held it in my hands and admired it, turning it over and over and examining it and cherishing it. I knew in my spirit that this was a reminder, that we are not to admire the tools (weapons!)- just use them. I was convicted by this vision at the time, it was when my dreams and visions were first starting to happen on a more frequent basis and I admit I was caught up in the whole excitement of it all. This is another trick of the enemy so watch out. Everything has to be kept in it's proper place. Nothing should be more important to us than our everyday walk with Christ. It's that simple. Beware of things that tickle your spiritual fancy. How did I stray from the subject? I was trying to explain my man in the jail cell dream. Actually to be honest it wasn't a dream, it was a brief vision, and not only that but it was shown to me just like a cartoon. It looked like a New Yorker cartoon, black and white, single panel, drawn sketchy and what the man was saying was shown as a caption, in quotes, at the bottom. And ya'll wonder why I am so in love with God. He is hillarious with me and He gets His points across to me in the most funny ways. He shows me pictures most of the time instead of long drawn-out speeches. He babies me. I love Him.
wait
Did any of this make sense? I don't know what else to say about it.
My uncle is in the hospital on a ventilator and they are running tests on him today to determine whether or not they should go ahead and pull the plug. He overdosed last night on his medications on purpose. He's mentally ill and he's struggled for a long time. I might get to go see him this evening.
August 10, 2008
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I hope this isn't a lame thing to draw. It's just that I had a dream last night about a flowering vine and a lattice. I saw that they needed one another. It's obivous why the vine needed the lattice but I never thought about a lattice needing a flowering vine. But it did. It needed the color and the life and to do what it was designed to do. A real working relationship if there ever was one. So today it's been on my mind, and I'm wondering, what does this mean? Is this about people and their relationships, or is it about our relationship with God? It does mean something. It was a dream to think about.
August 9, 2008
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Today in my prayer I told God to just deal with me, just hash me out, just do whatever He has to do to make sure there's NOTHING in between us, because when I get to heaven and stand before Him I don't want there to be any unresolved issues to deal with. I don't want to get there and He has to have a talk with me about anything or subtract any treasures or make me aware of some eternal consequences. I said, just get it over with, please deal with me completely while I'm here on the earth. Because I want to just run to You in complete joy when I see You. And also I want Jesus to be laughing when He sees me.
So after all this, when I was done praying, I was reminded of that verse in Colossians about building up in Christ. "As you therefore have received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in Him, having been firmly rooted and now being built up in Him and established in your faith, just as you were instructed, and overflowing with gratitude." (Col 2:6-7)
So what I'm thinking is I need to stop taking my relationship with Christ for granted "as is" and keep building, keep seeking, keep searching for a deeper knowing of Him and who He is, and spend more time with Him. I need to build some more.
So my chain reaction in my mind started thinking of a dream I had recently about Lincoln Logs. In the dream I was building, and I saw a square being constructed, one side at a time, layer after layer, slow and steady. Building up.
What are you working on? I'm working on staying alive with a smile and moving forward even though my body wants to fall backward. A little while ago I sat down and tried to draw the Lincoln Logs I dreamed of but it looked stupid. So I decided to go with the blocks and the stick people. You get the idea.
August 8, 2008
August 7, 2008
August 6, 2008
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You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to add my blog to directories all over the world, thereby extending my verbal shenanigans globally. I'm going to spank the entire world. You can call me The Punisher.
August 5, 2008
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I just got a call from my daughter, she's still in Austin, and she announced to me that she is "going to start recycling." I said I knew it, I knew you'd go down there and come back a tree hugger. She's not referring to normal everyday recycling. When my kid says she's "about to start something" it never means it's going to be a passive endeavor. She says they went to Barton Springs today and there was an older lady sitting there topless, sunning herself, and I got the full description of her breasts. According to my daughter the woman had "nipples the size of Jupiter." She said there was a little boy playing nearby, and the dad was sort of bothered by the spectacle because the little boy kept staring, and the dad said, loud enough to where to woman could hear: "Son, not all of them look like that. Most of them are perky." Then another woman came and sat down by the first one and she also removed her top. The dad said, "That's it. I'm taking you to a PG movie." And they left. At least they were halfway covered. Not like the website my dad and his girlfriend were all hyped up about last time I was over there: Hippie Hollow. And guess what. They actually went there. To be voyeurs. I got the full description of the place and the types of folks that go there. I am uncomfortable with public nudity. I don't think it's a beautiful thing when it's out in the open. I don't think man parts should be swinging around for the world to see especially. Especially the men.
I just walked to the mailbox and with each step down the stairs I heard my conscience say, "I should not be pushing myself". With each step. I'm getting more and more dizzy. It's either fall or stand on the edge forever, what would you do? I might as well go ahead and fall and get it over with. As I was walking to the mailbox I had something new! Sharp jabs in my right hip. Little stabs. Like something was biting me. And my fingers and toes have sharp prickles in them. Even now as I type, it feels like I touched a cactus. I'm strangely calm this time around. Last time I panicked. I'm not going to freak out again. I'm going to just get fixed and keep it simple and just keep on. I got a letter from my grandmother. Here let me open it and I'll tell you what it says.
WOAH!!!! For starters, a $50 gift card to Whole Foods! No way! I can use that! Oh I am a happy camper!!! what she wrote in the card is boring so I'll spare you.
I just walked to the mailbox and with each step down the stairs I heard my conscience say, "I should not be pushing myself". With each step. I'm getting more and more dizzy. It's either fall or stand on the edge forever, what would you do? I might as well go ahead and fall and get it over with. As I was walking to the mailbox I had something new! Sharp jabs in my right hip. Little stabs. Like something was biting me. And my fingers and toes have sharp prickles in them. Even now as I type, it feels like I touched a cactus. I'm strangely calm this time around. Last time I panicked. I'm not going to freak out again. I'm going to just get fixed and keep it simple and just keep on. I got a letter from my grandmother. Here let me open it and I'll tell you what it says.
WOAH!!!! For starters, a $50 gift card to Whole Foods! No way! I can use that! Oh I am a happy camper!!! what she wrote in the card is boring so I'll spare you.
.
All of my fantasies involving stranger's photo albums are coming true. I guess I never got around to mentioning this because I haven't been this bored as of yet, but now I am, and I'm thinking of all kinds of random things to tell you. Several years ago I had the idea of a Global Photo Album Exchange program. I told my sister all about it and she agreed that it would be so much fun. It's where you send one of your family's photo albums off to a stranger once a month, and you also receive one once a month from somebody else. Like a network of some kind. Imagine getting a tattered old album in the mail one rainy afternoon. Just imagine it. And you look at the return address all scrawled out on the plain brown package and get all excited and go make a cup of coffee and sit down with it. And you spend the next few hours getting lost in some stranger's life. Would you participate in something like this if it existed? My sister commented, how would you make sure you get your own album back? I said, you don't know. It's a risk. So anyway, that was before the internet was all hot and before I knew everyone was already posting their pictures online. But it's just too hard to go sifting thru pages to find something interesting. I still want to create my album exchange program. But until then I've just recently discovered a new way to stay amused for a few hours: just keep hitting "next blog". On this site. I had no idea. No idea! I mean there are photographs from families all over the world! Personal pictures! Not just bland things. Last night I partook in young Chang Liu's first birthday party. I also strolled through some old lady's garden. But NOTHING beats this guy's pics. I don't even know how to describe this page. You will get lost in these photos. It's the most bizarre group of people I have ever seen. It had me laughing so hard. It just gets weirder and weirder. I lost it completely when I came to a picture of several men sitting at a picnic table drinking what appears to be good beer, and this one little girl sitting very unladylike right on top of the crate the rest of the beer is sitting in. I just stared at this picture for a long time and just kept laughing. It looks like some borderline twisted album cover. http://korajskaraja-slike.blogspot.com/ If I find any other funny or strange ones I'll be sure and let you know.
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I don't even know where to begin on this one.
My body is breaking down, however, I strongly suspect with a quick flip of a surgeon's knife I will be made well once more. I'm thinking all I need is a few of those little bones popped off and I'll be up and running again. I'm dizzy. And my palms are numb. And I didn't know it but, I can't walk that good at all. I didn't know cause all I do is schlep around the apartment with no physical challenges at all. But today my mom insisted we go to the ER to get checked out, and I couldn't hardly make it up the stairs in the parking garage. They just kept going. I didn't. I walk slower than your great-grandmaw. My mom says I "have worsened greatly." Yay! Yay worsening greatly!! But the wait was too long. We were there all day. Got there at 10 and finally gave up and left around 6. For one thing they had my name wrong, and I heard them calling over and over again, "AMY MCBRIDE! AMY MCBRIDE! LAST CALL FOR AMY MCBRIDE!!! ..and there was no Amy McBride. Several hours passed and some guy noticed we had been there forever, and he goes, you don't even have an arm band yet? You were supposed to get one at registration. So we checked it out and they thought I was Amy McBride. I said no, I have no idea how you got that name. So they had to start all over again with me. People kept coming in on ambulances and that bumps you further down the list. I gave up. I am not sleeping in the waiting room. One lady said she waited once for 3 days. So I am going to go back through the system and endure the waits between appointments, and in the meantime, hope and pray I don't up and pass out any time soon. My neck is holding on by a thread. That's what it seems like. The pressure is saying, "I am going to get you."
So I also met a cute guy but as I was reaching for my pen my mom cleared her throat real loud and said no under her breath. He cooks food for the homeless people downtown. I keep meeting cooks! Things are looking up! He said he noticed me when I first came in. That tells me right there he's not too selective. I was limping and holding my head. He messed up his leg and I told him I can't date because I'm too messed up and he laughed and said he was messed up too. This gives me hope. In fact I saw a whole lot of limping guys today and thought, maybe I really should stick with other messed up people. That way I won't feel so bad. Also there was a woman there who also got lost in the system and waited too long and just belted out, "I AM ABOUT TO GO POSTAL ON THIS MOTHER F*$^&NG PLACE!!" And she stormed out. Then a crazy woman came in and started doing air guitar with her cane. I am not kidding.
But out of all these noteworthy things, the very best one is my new coffee cup. It's styrofoam but it's hillarious. It all started when my mom saw people go up to this window in a remote corner of the waiting room. She said it looked like they were getting prescriptions. That is until we saw a hand come out with popcorn in it. It's a little food thing! Built into the wall. So my mom went over and got herself some popcorn and came back with some coffee for me. I had not cracked a smile all day until I read the cup. It says: "For a tasty treat that keeps you on your feet, visit Parkland Perk!" ..meaning, the little hole in the wall thing is calling itself Parkland Perk! Like Starbucks except it's in an emergency room! It's unmarked, no signs, no nothing. So I did visit Parkland Perk but it's not keeping me on my feet. And there's also a happy bright sunshine design on it. A stark contrast to the sounds of people vomiting in the bathrooms and the cussing old people.
I need my neck fixed. It's shutting down my central headquarters. I don't know what to do or how to do it. I have trouble taking charge of myself medically. I turned it all over to my mom. I'm not ashamed to say I need help right now. I need other brains involved and I need the moral support. My mom is a real friend right now. She keeps me fed and sane and I forgot to say, she said about my new friend (he sat on the floor next to me and kept me entertained) she said, Amy he is BAD NEWS. I didn't see that in him. I feel bad now. He even wrote me a little note. I tore it up when I got home to keep my from scanning it and posting it. My whole world is a show and tell session right now. I can't help it. It helps me cope.
My body is breaking down, however, I strongly suspect with a quick flip of a surgeon's knife I will be made well once more. I'm thinking all I need is a few of those little bones popped off and I'll be up and running again. I'm dizzy. And my palms are numb. And I didn't know it but, I can't walk that good at all. I didn't know cause all I do is schlep around the apartment with no physical challenges at all. But today my mom insisted we go to the ER to get checked out, and I couldn't hardly make it up the stairs in the parking garage. They just kept going. I didn't. I walk slower than your great-grandmaw. My mom says I "have worsened greatly." Yay! Yay worsening greatly!! But the wait was too long. We were there all day. Got there at 10 and finally gave up and left around 6. For one thing they had my name wrong, and I heard them calling over and over again, "AMY MCBRIDE! AMY MCBRIDE! LAST CALL FOR AMY MCBRIDE!!! ..and there was no Amy McBride. Several hours passed and some guy noticed we had been there forever, and he goes, you don't even have an arm band yet? You were supposed to get one at registration. So we checked it out and they thought I was Amy McBride. I said no, I have no idea how you got that name. So they had to start all over again with me. People kept coming in on ambulances and that bumps you further down the list. I gave up. I am not sleeping in the waiting room. One lady said she waited once for 3 days. So I am going to go back through the system and endure the waits between appointments, and in the meantime, hope and pray I don't up and pass out any time soon. My neck is holding on by a thread. That's what it seems like. The pressure is saying, "I am going to get you."
So I also met a cute guy but as I was reaching for my pen my mom cleared her throat real loud and said no under her breath. He cooks food for the homeless people downtown. I keep meeting cooks! Things are looking up! He said he noticed me when I first came in. That tells me right there he's not too selective. I was limping and holding my head. He messed up his leg and I told him I can't date because I'm too messed up and he laughed and said he was messed up too. This gives me hope. In fact I saw a whole lot of limping guys today and thought, maybe I really should stick with other messed up people. That way I won't feel so bad. Also there was a woman there who also got lost in the system and waited too long and just belted out, "I AM ABOUT TO GO POSTAL ON THIS MOTHER F*$^&NG PLACE!!" And she stormed out. Then a crazy woman came in and started doing air guitar with her cane. I am not kidding.
But out of all these noteworthy things, the very best one is my new coffee cup. It's styrofoam but it's hillarious. It all started when my mom saw people go up to this window in a remote corner of the waiting room. She said it looked like they were getting prescriptions. That is until we saw a hand come out with popcorn in it. It's a little food thing! Built into the wall. So my mom went over and got herself some popcorn and came back with some coffee for me. I had not cracked a smile all day until I read the cup. It says: "For a tasty treat that keeps you on your feet, visit Parkland Perk!" ..meaning, the little hole in the wall thing is calling itself Parkland Perk! Like Starbucks except it's in an emergency room! It's unmarked, no signs, no nothing. So I did visit Parkland Perk but it's not keeping me on my feet. And there's also a happy bright sunshine design on it. A stark contrast to the sounds of people vomiting in the bathrooms and the cussing old people.
I need my neck fixed. It's shutting down my central headquarters. I don't know what to do or how to do it. I have trouble taking charge of myself medically. I turned it all over to my mom. I'm not ashamed to say I need help right now. I need other brains involved and I need the moral support. My mom is a real friend right now. She keeps me fed and sane and I forgot to say, she said about my new friend (he sat on the floor next to me and kept me entertained) she said, Amy he is BAD NEWS. I didn't see that in him. I feel bad now. He even wrote me a little note. I tore it up when I got home to keep my from scanning it and posting it. My whole world is a show and tell session right now. I can't help it. It helps me cope.
.
Today I opened up the styrofoam ice chest that's been in the back of my closet since I moved here, it's part of what my kid refers to as my "armageddon stash". I do not stockpile. In fact I think it might backfire on us all. It occured to me that if and when something happens where people really do need to break into their stashes, that means their neighbors might be hungry, which means it wouldn't be right, and fights are going to break out and then the cops will have to get involved, then they'll probably crack down and make everybody turn their stuff in for the common good. And then you will hang your head and let out a long sigh as you realize all your time and effort was wasted. At least that's how I feel about it. I'd rather have my token 6 weeks worth of goods and then when I get low, expect a miracle. Or just go ahead and starve.
So about this ice chest. It has all my fire supplies in it. I laughed as I opened it up and examined the contents. It's all about fire. But the only problem is, I only seem to be focused on lighting it. It looks like I didn't think too far past that. I have several packs of dollar store lighters, dollar store matches, and even a thing of lighter fluid, which I don't even know how to use. And then there's my spiffy little .. what is it? All I know is, I ordered it off this survival website back in '05. That's when I got all this stuff. When I moved to that little house in Red Oak. I was terrified there. Absolutely terrified. That's when I started thinking about surviving, is when I lived there. I guess I had good reason to be thinking along those lines. I should have stocked up on bug spray though. But about my little oven thing. I don't know what it is. But it came with a long-burning candle that goes in it, and you can actually cook things on it. Like a little campstove. I think it's cute. You should have seen me each time there was a bad storm. I got my supplies out and set them on the counter, all ready. My daughter laughed at me. We also had a rat or two at that place. I had to learn to set a trap. That was horrible. I never caught any. I just gave up and started throwing things up into the attic to drive them away. Everything. Laundry soap, mothballs, pinecones, boric acid. Salt. Eucalyptus leaves. You name it. I threw it up there. It worked! The rats/mice left. I wonder what the landlord thought about it when he went up there and saw it all. I also left over a hundred gallons of water up there. Just in case. Because when the electricity went out there, the water went out too! I'm telling you, that place was scary! And did I ever mention that I found out that it used to be a crackhouse? That explains the strange people who would show up every now and then with a shifty feel to them, knocking on my door and asking if so and so was home. Why did I live there? How did this happen? Can I go back in time and not move there?
So about this ice chest. It has all my fire supplies in it. I laughed as I opened it up and examined the contents. It's all about fire. But the only problem is, I only seem to be focused on lighting it. It looks like I didn't think too far past that. I have several packs of dollar store lighters, dollar store matches, and even a thing of lighter fluid, which I don't even know how to use. And then there's my spiffy little .. what is it? All I know is, I ordered it off this survival website back in '05. That's when I got all this stuff. When I moved to that little house in Red Oak. I was terrified there. Absolutely terrified. That's when I started thinking about surviving, is when I lived there. I guess I had good reason to be thinking along those lines. I should have stocked up on bug spray though. But about my little oven thing. I don't know what it is. But it came with a long-burning candle that goes in it, and you can actually cook things on it. Like a little campstove. I think it's cute. You should have seen me each time there was a bad storm. I got my supplies out and set them on the counter, all ready. My daughter laughed at me. We also had a rat or two at that place. I had to learn to set a trap. That was horrible. I never caught any. I just gave up and started throwing things up into the attic to drive them away. Everything. Laundry soap, mothballs, pinecones, boric acid. Salt. Eucalyptus leaves. You name it. I threw it up there. It worked! The rats/mice left. I wonder what the landlord thought about it when he went up there and saw it all. I also left over a hundred gallons of water up there. Just in case. Because when the electricity went out there, the water went out too! I'm telling you, that place was scary! And did I ever mention that I found out that it used to be a crackhouse? That explains the strange people who would show up every now and then with a shifty feel to them, knocking on my door and asking if so and so was home. Why did I live there? How did this happen? Can I go back in time and not move there?
August 4, 2008
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Well here we go again. No silly not with a new blog. With the hospital. Guess what. I'm a dizzy mess. More so than usual. There's a strange feeling at the back of my neck, it feels like someone has their thumbs pressing on it. I already know what it is- it's my backup health problem. As if the west nile wasn't enough. No, my body needed a backup plan to use against me. It's my bone thing. The bones in my neck are slowly pushing on my spinal cord. It was found on an MRI but I didn't give it a second thought because of the whole west nile thing. I've had a lightheaded sensation for a few weeks now but now it's all the time. I'm dizzy. If I stand up to fast I feel like I'm going to drop. I had another meltdown today and my mom said it's hospital time again. I told her I can't deal with the people who answer the phones there. She said she'll call tomorrow and bully them real good till they can see me. If you're not dying, you have to wait. I didn't want to go back there because of this. I was waiting to get my own neurologist so I wouldn't have to wait so long when I needed to be seen, but looks like that's not happening just yet. The hospital is run by medical bullies and I have trouble standing my ground with them. But that's another topic.
At least I have a new blog. Each new page is like Christmas.
My neck feels like Darth Vader is holding onto it, gently. It doesn't hurt. My mom said if the bones aren't lifted off the spinal cord it could result in paralysis! For real! And it starts in your hands. That would explain why my hands have been funky lately. So I guess the dizzy thing is good, it's to get my attention to get back and get more treatment? My mom said my body is talking to me. I never wanted to have a conversation with my body.
I need a stiff drink. And the only place I can get that currently is at my sister's house. But I don't think I can drive over there right now. My head is not right. You're not right either. Nobody is.
But guess what. I decided to be happy. Apparently there is no escape to all this. So I've decided to make the most of it. More so than usual. I rearranged my bedroom today and it looks cute. I'm going to make sure I never run out of chocolate, and I have some new ideas for some drawings. Just stay with me. That's all I ask. I don't know why I fight this blogging thing. I would have lost my mind without it.
At least I have a new blog. Each new page is like Christmas.
My neck feels like Darth Vader is holding onto it, gently. It doesn't hurt. My mom said if the bones aren't lifted off the spinal cord it could result in paralysis! For real! And it starts in your hands. That would explain why my hands have been funky lately. So I guess the dizzy thing is good, it's to get my attention to get back and get more treatment? My mom said my body is talking to me. I never wanted to have a conversation with my body.
I need a stiff drink. And the only place I can get that currently is at my sister's house. But I don't think I can drive over there right now. My head is not right. You're not right either. Nobody is.
But guess what. I decided to be happy. Apparently there is no escape to all this. So I've decided to make the most of it. More so than usual. I rearranged my bedroom today and it looks cute. I'm going to make sure I never run out of chocolate, and I have some new ideas for some drawings. Just stay with me. That's all I ask. I don't know why I fight this blogging thing. I would have lost my mind without it.
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