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To be honest I really don't have anything noteworthy to say but I wanted to write something anyway. So here we go. To begin with, I saw my uncle today, he's not in a regular hospital room. It looks like a fish tank room. Completely see-through. And then just him, in a bed, right there in the middle. On display. He's a big man. His feet were hanging off the bed. He's 6"3 or 4. I walked in and said, Uncle Andy it's Amy, and his left hand rose up for me to hold it, and I did, it was cold and clammy but I held it tight in both hands and told him I loved him. They have him restrained. And he didn't know it. Until I got there. As it turns out I was the first family member to talk to him, apparently he had just come to, right before I got there. He was asking where he was and how he got there and how long he'd been there. The nurse interrupted and he snapped t her and said I DON'T NEED YOU TO INTERPRET! and he made a hissing sound at her. She left the room and he settled back down. I soothed him and told him that he was in God's care. He mumbled things that I didn't understand but I nodded and acted like I was agreeing. There was blood on his chest, the nurse said when he woke up he ripped out his central line. I didn't know what to say to him so I told him that I read all the letters he sent to my mom over the years and how entertaining they were, and what an interesting life he's had. He liked that. I said, Andy do you remember you toured Europe on your bike? And do you know you've lived in some really interesting places? He really liked all this. Then I told him how much reading those letters blessed me. I said his wisdom and insight really taught me alot. He held on to my hand tighter as I talked with him. I told him I love him, and he told me he's been worried about me. I laughed and said, I know Andy! My body's messed up too! This morning when I was praying for him a Bible verse came to mind, so I looked it up, wrote it down, memorized it. And when I was standing there next to him I said, I know how much you love God and how much you love His Word, here's one for you- and I said to him, From the rising of the sun unto the going down of the same, the Lord's Name is to be praised. And as I was saying this, he rested his head on back, closed his eyes, and I could see his lips moving and he was saying it along with me.

Andy has paranoid schizophrenia. It hit in his mid 20's after experimenting with some hashish- the real thing- in Turkey. He was on leave, he was in the Marines and was taking a vacation. They said it triggered something in his brain, something about the chemicals. But that he could have gotten it regardless because it's also a genetic thing. But the trip to Turkey set him off and he's been in and out of the VA hospitals ever since. He's a wanderer. He went to my grandmother's house to end it all, but it looks like he didn't succeed. I don't know what's going to happen with him now. I guess if he comes all the way back they'll turn him over to the VA.

Tonight I took a long walk, a slow one. I can't walk fast anymore. I'm totally ok with it all now. It's peaceful. I had a new and different frame of mind this time. It was more of a stroll, in the moonlight, and I actually stopped to pet a toad. There's toads everywhere around here and usually I just say hello and walk on by, but tonight I decided to stop for a visit. He actually let me. He just sat there, didn't even blink. His skin was bumpy and he was fat and cute with beady black eyes. How long has it been since you've stopped to pet a toad? Next time you see one, why don't you. I think they like it.

I'm losing more weight and I'm not even remotely interested in food. I'm at 114. Which is fine but the only problem is I think it's melting away for no reason. Nothing tastes good. That's why these old people nutrition drinks are so appealing to me right now. They're easy. And also bananas. I'm going through bananas like a monkey. My right hand is getting weaker and it hurts sometimes. I have a few appointments lined up, back on the conveyer belt that runs through the hospital, back to the waiting and the testing and the uncertainties. Did I mention I can hardly go up stairs? I have to hold on to the rail and actually use it. It's my right leg.

What's really a trip is the peace I have. God is really doing a number on me.